March 31, 2008
I blink in surprise.
There is never a knock on the door these days, let alone at this time in the morning. The weather outside is foul; I have only just woken up the chickens to let them out into their escape-proof run, and am looking forward to a nice cup of hot coffee.
I open the door. It is Mrs Short Tony, announcing that the chickens are escaping.
Being a man, I really am no good whatsoever at multi-tasking (I do not think that it is sexist to say that). Therefore there is some comfort in the fact that I am able to combine my reaction at her news with some much needed practice for next week’s National Face-Falling Championships.
Stomping outside, I find Short Tony grimly banging in nails. The wind howls pitilessly through the trees. The chickens peck around innocently.
“I caught them sitting on this fence,” he explains, indicating a piece of fence that is surely too high for chickens to get up to. I look at the chickens. I look at the fence. To be fair, we had identified it as a Point of Potential Weakness, but had assumed that they would not be able to jump that far.
We spend the next bitterly cold hour raising the height of the fence by two feet.
I am learning all the time about this chicken business. So far, I have hung up a washing line for them to use, and constructed a useful Perchomatic 3000 out of old bits of wood. I do not see why they would wish to go elsewhere, and am a very tiny bit hurt by their attitude.
March 31, 2008 at 11:15 am
Foul! Hargh! Rubbish!
Chickens are notoriously ungrateful, old boy. One only has to look at their beady little eyes to see that. They’re only thinking about themselves and how they can stuff their guts with sage and onion from Mrs B’s patch. And don’t under-estimate the jumpiness of their legs either. I once saw a chicken clear an entire building with a single bound - bouncy little buggers.
Toodle-pip! Dickie
March 31, 2008 at 11:16 am
P.S. Why do you have a little smily face at the bottom of youre page. I’ve never seen that before - is it a secret link to some other, better secret diary that only your friends know about?
March 31, 2008 at 11:27 am
They’re birds aren’t they? Don’t they fly? I’m sure I’ve seen them fluttering their feathers and - at least - taking a flying leap.
March 31, 2008 at 11:28 am
Just be glad you didn’t buy the show-hens, Jonny. That chicken lady knew what she was doing when she palmed you off with those sad and scrofulous cast-offs from the special needs section of her shed. It’s clear that any normal checken would’ve just crushed your feeble excuse for a fence underfoot and moved into the house lock stock and barrel.
Your posts would suddenly take on an air of Vichy France. “I Grovel Before Our Glorious Chicken Masters!!!” etc…
March 31, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Coq au vin tonight?
March 31, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Bertrand Russell never had that problem.
March 31, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I’m afraid that they can fly, Jonny. Either you must cover the run, or clip their wings. Just one wing of each bird, as it puts them off balance when they try to fly.
It’s easiest with two people. One catches the bird and holds her round the body, while the other cuts the long flight feathers on one wing. Otherwise, try doing it by yourself and write about how it’s impossible.
March 31, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Put up the post box and a decent door! You know darn well they were trying to get down the road to the more luxurious digs!!!
March 31, 2008 at 12:26 pm
You really haven’t looked after chickens before, have you, JonnyBee?
March 31, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Fly?!?
Seriously….?!?
March 31, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Does Mrs B have sage & onion in her patch? You really should get that seen to.
March 31, 2008 at 1:19 pm
wait..
Chickens can FLY? Seriously? You would think in the history of the world - or my part of the world for the last 45 years, which is my particular history - there would have been AT LEAST one other person like Jonny who didn’t clip wings and thus, I would have seen ONE chicken fly, at least. But I have not. Is it bad luck, or are you pulling a fast one?
On a somewhat related note, I was once walking my daughter and I heard this god-awful noise about 2 inches above my head. After I screamed and crouched down, I looked up - a pair of swans flying by. Swans FLY. I never knew that, either.
March 31, 2008 at 1:47 pm
aw poor jonny, the chickens aren’t leaving for any personal reasons
March 31, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Maybe the wind had scooped them up and they were clinging to the fence trying not to leave!
Either that or they really can fly and I’m going to have to re-think my whole poultry education.
March 31, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I once thought that some chickens can fly but later in the film it turned out that he was just being fired out of a cannon.
Choose your materials carefully when you increase security. You don’t want to inadvertantly provide raw materials for a devious mass escape in a flying contraption. Noticed any saws or pliers going missing?
March 31, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I need to nail this one down. Some of you say they fly. Other people say they do not.
I have to say, it seemed a long way for them to jump. But if they fly then I will have to adjust my whole outlook on life.
March 31, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Why not attach a string to one leg of each chicken and tie it to a post?
Or you could give each chicken a collar with your name, address and phone number on it in case it succeeds in escaping. This chicken keeping sounds like fun.
March 31, 2008 at 3:21 pm
the weather was foul??? (sic) - I thought we’d all agreed not to do jokes like that?
March 31, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Jonny- I beg you - don’t cut their wings; Hugh Effing Whatsit and I will cry.
Pigs don’t but someone saw an elephant fly.
March 31, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Hi there
Just popped over the fence to see how you are doing - having fun with those chooks aren’t you.
I clip all my chickens - and quails wings - but the Rosecombs and the Modern Game bird just fly around regardless - and also do a limbo under the tiniest gap too!
They keep you interested though don’t they - never a dull moment.
March 31, 2008 at 4:51 pm
But at least they make coffee, by all accounts. Two sugars please.
March 31, 2008 at 5:52 pm
They don’t fly so much as flutter, especially from a high perch. But if you don’t put a wire roof on the pen, you’ll find another way they fly - in the talons of a raptor!
March 31, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny…..
In the wild chickens roost in trees. ( They reach said branches without the aid of mini ladders, ropes or dumb waiters.)
Chickens do indeed fly. Short distances only. Unless jet propelled, hung from a kite or thrown by a local n’er-do-well.
May I suggest you fit a roof…pronto! or you may end up with egg on your face rather than your plate.
Yours respectfully,
‘Nine ten a big fat hen’.
March 31, 2008 at 8:13 pm
they are afraid of being eaten
March 31, 2008 at 8:21 pm
I would be very entertained by posts about Life In A Norfolk Village That Is Run By Nazi Chickens. I would even buy the book. Do write it, please.
March 31, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Tears.
Streaming.
Thank you.
March 31, 2008 at 9:17 pm
All is well! My SIL tells me his sit in the trees but as long as you feed them they come home to roost. Isn’t that what free range is all about?
March 31, 2008 at 10:19 pm
If you clip the wing FEATHERS ONLY of one wing, the chooks fly in circles due to the uneven thrust from each wing. This slows them down, but they may still work out the ideal trajectory to reach the fence.
Both wings clipped will probably be more effective at keeping them in.
Of course, only cut the feathers (not actual wing flesh) about halfway along with strong kitchen scissors.
Next season, when they grow a new set of feathers you’ll need to do it again. Unless they have convinced themselves that they are happy enough to stay home anyway!
March 31, 2008 at 10:21 pm
It’s all take, take, take with chickens, isn’t it?
G.I.M x
March 31, 2008 at 10:28 pm
It’s the ones that burrow you’ve really got to look out for. Better than rabbits they are. Are you sure you’ve really thought this through, Jonny?
March 31, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Yes, chickens fly.
However, you can put out of your mind the notion of graceful flight, like swallows or hawks. Picture an overweight City wallah complete with natty suiting running like Hell to avoid, oh, I dunno, a tornado or Gort the robot. That’s chicken flight — maximum effort and noise, minimum result. For a chicken, getting the six or eight feet up to a low-hanging branch requires the sort of effort otherwise reserved for contested Parliamentary seats.
However, they WILL make the effort. It is therefore necessary to either clip their wings (as noted above) or put netting over top of the chicken run. This is necessary because chickens are also stupid, but very clever. They can and will identify the only dangerous (to them) situation within five miles and go directly toward it with determination and a sort of birdish glee.
The second generation (you DO have a rooster, do you not?) is not so bad. They will identify the run as home territory, and if they survive their exploratory voyages will return to it to eat and sleep. If you don’t intend to raise chickens from eggs, but to continually replace them as they are consumed (by yourself, Mr. & Mrs. Short Tony, and/or the local fox population) clipping or roofing are the only answers.
Regards,
Ric
March 31, 2008 at 11:29 pm
One would think that your blog attracted mostly poultry experts. But I rather think that it is mainly that your readership is has a wide ranging knowledge on many subjects including the keeping of poultry.
April 1, 2008 at 3:52 am
Ric Locke is spot on with his wing-clipping advice.
It would be advisable to get a rooster. He’ll keep the chickens happy and they will lay better.
April 1, 2008 at 6:35 am
I am all very torn now. Ric has given excellent authoritative advice, Allotment Lady has an allotment, so should know what she is talking about, but the leg-tying thing sounds like a good solution.
I am sure they will return to their nice house. I just don’t want Short Tony’s dogg to eat them.
April 1, 2008 at 6:59 am
Maybe they have a clip joint (hair cutting) place there-only for chickens- that will clip the wings of your chickens for you. Somehow I don’t see good things ahead if you and Short Tony get out there with a chicken and a pair of scissors between you.
April 1, 2008 at 7:45 am
Much as I admire your manly gung ho, have a go, can do, attitude…didn’t you read a book about it before deciding to get them? Or at least look ‘chickens’ up on Wikipedia?
April 1, 2008 at 9:26 am
I don’t think Wikipedia was around when Col. Sanders invented the chicken. Jonny and Short Tony should be applauded for their frontiersmen’s approach towards raising stock. Their trial and error attitude will eventually reap benefits despite costing a fortune in the short term. They could always eat the dogg if it becomes a problem.
April 1, 2008 at 10:41 am
How ignorant. Not only not knowing that chickens can fly, but thinking they do laundry, what other reason would you put up a washing line for them ?
April 1, 2008 at 11:57 am
Yeah. What Essy says.
And stop being an active member of the abuse blog too.
April 1, 2008 at 12:40 pm
You’re an absolute genius, JonnyB, and your blog is The Funniest In the World.
Thank you for brightening up an otherwise dismal morning!
April 1, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Wild chickens? Chickens just out there, living wildly? Nesting, foraging on the forest floor, peering at me from the lower branches as I jog past in the wee hours of the morning? Really?
I may never go outside again.
April 1, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Roosters are not necessary - they just annoy the hens. My old ladies are 12 years old and some are still laying. i didn’t want another generation - just a few pets to keep me company. Min
April 1, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Good lord I am seriously alarmed about your head size, given comment #40…unless you wrote it yourself to bolster your ego after failing to consult Wikipedia on every aspect of your life?
April 1, 2008 at 11:55 pm
bet you wish you’d stuck to the banjo now.
April 2, 2008 at 12:17 am
Well, y’see, I quite like chicken, the foodstuff. After my childhood, and a few abortive experiments afterward, I also quite like it when somebody else performs the conversion to foodstuff, including all the precursor steps such as hatching, feeding, penning, etc. etc. And I don’t really see seven and a half pounds, near enough fifteen dollars, as being a poultry sum. I can dine on chicken for comfortably less than that, and not have the aggravation.
One ploy often used by chicken-raisers is overfeeding. Scatter chicken feed around the run, so that they get accustomed to scratching for it, and see to it that they get several times the Officially Recommended Diet®. A five-pound chicken can probably clear any fence you can build economically. A seven-pound chicken is much less athletic.
Regards,
Ric
April 2, 2008 at 12:41 am
I hope you’ve completed all relevant forms and applied for the licence? Don’t forget to dip in spring and autumn. Keep up todate with all those vaccinations too!
April 2, 2008 at 11:39 am
Don’t worry about clipping their wings. They won’t go far, and they’ll return to the place they slept last night - so they’ll return to the run. Ours aren’t clipped and haven’t gone anywhere outside the back yard in the last year - although they do flutter their way up onto the garden table, or the kitchen window.
I think it’s best not to clip their wings so that they have a fighting chance of escaping foxes.
One word of warning though - the young ones fly better than fully grown ones. They’re not as heavy, so watch them while they’re young.
April 2, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Come on Jonny you only have to watch ‘chicken run’ to know that chickens cant really fly. But they can get together in large groups and plot to escape and assinate their owner!
April 2, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Hi Jonny, i know this has nothing to do with Chickens! But do you know you have an appreciation society on facebook? I haven’t read the rest of the comments so apologies if that has already been mentioned somewhere.
April 2, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Don’t worry, they ain’t going far, they know where their nest is feathered.
Unless you’re planning to eat them. Then you’d better watch that movie.
April 2, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Ric Locke punned. Is it allowed? We need to know.
April 3, 2008 at 9:37 am
So a man decides to take up farming and he goes to the local farm supplies shop and says he’d like 100 baby chickens. The following week he is back for another 100 and again in the third week. So the farming supplies salesman says “How come you need so many chickens? and the man says “Well I dunno really. They don’t seem to be growing. Do you think I am planting them too deep?
This may be an idea whatya think?
April 3, 2008 at 11:38 am
Psssst, JonnyB, I just found out about triffids: ‘Without sighted keepers to maintain their fences and to check the tethers that kept them in place, small groups of triffids began escaping from their farms and established wild populations. Urban triffids, with nobody to prevent their stings from regrowing, soon joined them’…not that I’m saying your chickens ARE triffids…
April 3, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Go for the Foie Gras route, feed them so much they can’t fly, and will be too lazy to dig. Plus you get nice pate afterwards.
April 3, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Sorry to sound like a bit of a smart ass …. but I think you’ll find that chickens fly rather than jump … quite a lot of beating of wing is involved … methinks
April 4, 2008 at 7:17 am
Short Tony’s dog isn’t red and shouts “Boom Boom” rather than barks is it?
Left alone, au natural and unclipped chickens fly but are very unreliable over long distances where pigeons easily win.
April 4, 2008 at 7:40 am
Hullo cantstoplaughingnow and Min and Louise and welcome!!!
Louise - yes, I know - AND IT IS FULL OF VERY FIT WOMEN!!! It quite shocked me when I first saw it. I have not joined it as it would be undignified but I am very chuffed.
April 4, 2008 at 9:08 am
ah bless you Jonny! i think you should join! (without a photo of course!)
April 4, 2008 at 9:53 am
Oli: he’s got a nice pate already. Quite a BIG one.
April 4, 2008 at 5:57 pm
They can fly. You have to clip their feathers a little to stop them.
April 5, 2008 at 6:45 pm
This chicken business is a case of learn as you go, but i must tell you that whilst they do fly, it is unusual and only when they feel threatened, from say a dog or something. Also there is no need to clip their wings, as long as they are well looked after, they won’t go very far. Mine wonder around the garden, come back when they feel a bit peckish(!) for kitchen scraps and corn, put themselves to bed in their shed and are REALLY easy to look after. I do think you paid rather dearly for yours by the way £7.50 EACH!!!
April 6, 2008 at 10:36 pm
I bet all the 41 more influential bloggers in the world know how to control their chickens…..
http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2008/mar/09/blogs
April 7, 2008 at 7:39 am
Nono - all they can do is influence them. Except that Huffington women - she controls them via mind waves.
April 9, 2008 at 1:48 pm
How did the National Face-Falling Championships go?
One would imagine that it would difficult to tell the winners from the losers in such a competition…
April 10, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Fiasco. The judges refused to award the gold medal, due to the standard of entry not being up to scratch. Then they rescinded that and shared it between the 438 entrants.
I am not entering again.